Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

“Momma, you’re squishy right here.”

Our daughters have never been known for having tact.  About the most tactful thing either one has ever said is when Lex got dragged out of a stagnant mud hole and slid right into a pile of horse pucky.

You know that Lex can find a mud hole in a draught, right? Well that’s exactly what happened. With no new rain, every decayed and decaying piece of organic matter that could stink things up created a stench from hell.

This time, she managed to twist her ankle going into the mud hole, and strain her back climbing out. Unfortunately, none of the ranch hands were with her, so she had to get herself out.  Her radio was strapped to her saddle, and her cell phone was useless in the gully where she landed.

Did I ever mention that for a powerful steed, Thunder is a big, flakey, scaredy cat?  Lex said she didn’t really see what spooked him. She was too busy being thrown from the saddle.  She made it home in complete misery to be greeted by our oldest.

“Oh, Momma! You stink on ice!” She covered her nose and made gagging sounds.

When Lex asked for a hand getting off her horse, Lorrie backed off and said, “No way! I don’t want to smell like you!“ And promptly lost her lunch.

Well, being 40-ish is a pain when you have a pain or two and multiple strains and sprains that leave you house bound. Lex is used to being active, and we all know how much she hates being incapacitated. But she really did try to behave.  I got her a set of DVDs of the old series “Wagon Train”, and another one of “Rawhide.”  Did you ever notice the resemblance between Rowdy Yates and Lexington Walters? Tall, lanky, good looking?  Of course, the real Rowdy Yates is in his seventies, but in his younger days, he could have passed for Lex’s brother. 

Lex attempted to ease her descent into being stir crazy by watching old westerns.  And I fed her good, stick-to-your-ribs food since she normally works off every ounce she eats.  After the second week, she’d filled out a bit and our kids noticed. 

“Momma, how come you don’t button your jeans?”

“Momma, can I pinch you on your tummy to see how fat you are?”

“Momma, can I use your tummy for a pillow while we watch TV?”

And the ever popular, “Momma, you’re squishy right here.”

Lex paled. She had never worried about her weight before.  “Do you think I’ll take it off again?”

Actually, I liked seeing a little more flesh on her. It wasn’t much and it looked good. Especially the curvy parts. They were extra enticing and I found myself staring at her at the most inopportune times.

“Mommy, you just set the pot holder on fire.”

“Mommy, you just burned a hole in Momma’s shirt.   Ooh, Mommy, that’s Momma’s favorite, too.”

Lex was across the room in her shorts and sports bra, laughing as I tore my gaze from her body and realized that the ironing was going up in smoke.  She said not to worry.  Seeing the lust on my face was more than enough to make up for burning her clothes. I’m glad. Cause her favorite pants were the next to be flambéed on the ironing table.

Last night, she was finally well enough so that I could do more than stare lustfully at her.  So, of course, this morning, the commentary was like this:

“Mommy, how come your nightgown is on inside out?”

And Mel, “Did you hurt yourself last night, Mommy?”

Of course, Lorrie, the ever helpful older sister couldn’t help but voice her assessment of things.

“Naw, Mel. They were just noisy ‘cause they were having sex again.”

We have to have a long talk with that kid. And I doubt we’ll be tactful.