Mrs. Carlson’s Worst Day

We pulled up into the school parking lot and noticed that several of the teachers’ cars were gone. This was normal since it was already 90 minutes since school let out. Lights were on in some of the classrooms, so we figured that Mrs. Carlson was waiting for us in her room.  We left all the documents and pictures we’d brought with us in the truck and decided to just let our sparkling personalities do the work.

You’d think we’d discuss even a little strategy, or who was going to be ‘good cop’ vs. ‘bad cop’.  But we didn’t. After a dozen or so years together, it was entirely unnecessary, like how Lex knew to pull me back when I was about to go after that mead tramp with a lance aimed at her posterior. She could feel the tension, the little things that told her I was particularly homicidal, and, especially “and” not to laugh about it later.

We went inside and let the office staff know we were there.  I asked for the principal and showed him the composition and the note that Mrs. Carlson sent home with Lorrie.  He looked at them and handed them back without a word. When he returned to his office the school secretary looked them over and asked, “What do you have in mind, Lex?”

“Nothing requiring hospitalization or the sheriff’s intervention,” Lex assured her.

“Says who?”

The school secretary snickered and patted me on the shoulder.  “I tend to side with your wife, Lex. This new sub thinks the sun rises and sets on her brilliance.” Then she leaned in to whisper, “Big f’n pain in the ass, if you ask me. Big city stuck up.” Waving us on to the door, she said, “Just let me know where to bury the body when you get done.  Good luck!”

I felt better. I could tell that Lex did, too.  We decided that the best way to deal with a pompous ass is to keep them off kilter. Lex unbuttoned her shirt so that the start of her cleavage could be seen. I handed her my brush and she used it to tame her hair and make herself look downright irresistible. “Mr. Walter, indeed!” she said, and grinned at me.

I lost focus for a moment.  See, I have a particularly strong admiration for Lex’s assets. Once, a view of her cleavage nearly caused me to drive off a bridge. The attraction is as strong as ever, even after all these years.

I snapped to. Literally, because Lex was snapping her fingers and waving her hands in front of my face to bring me back from that erotic haze that had swept over me.  “Okay, I can do this.” We talked strategy for a moment and then headed off to Mrs. Carlson’s room. I went in first.

“Hello? I’m Amanda Walters.”  Then I held out my hand for her to shake.  “Lex will be right in.”

“Eleanor Carlson. I’m your daughter’s teacher.” She took a moment to size me up, which was okay, since I was doing the same with her.  “Will your husband be long?”

“I’m not really long, just tall.” Lex said in the sultriest voice that I rarely heard outside of our bedroom.

If that teacher’s head hadn’t been attached to her neck, her head would have flown out of the window from whipping it around to get a look at the owner of that voice.

The teacher started backing up as Lex stalked her. Really. Lex looked like a jungle cat stalking her prey. It’s not so much the intimidation, it’s the attitude. It’s the sultry, sexy way that Lex can use to bring an opponent to their knees begging. Hell, it’s why my very straight sister cannot resist flirting with Lex. This woman, my wife, my love, the very essence of sexy, was making Mrs. Carlson back up into the student desks, chairs, and finally her own desk.

“Let’s see if we can clear the air, okay?”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“As you can see, I am not a man.”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“So referring to me as Lorrie’s father is out of the question.”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“Lorrie is spelled “L-o-r-r-i-e”, got it?”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“Our last name is Walters—with an ‘s’.”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“Amanda is my wife and the mother of our two daughters, Lorrie and Mel, and our son, Eddie.”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“Lorrie will probably inherit our ranch when she is grown, if that is her wish.”

Mrs. Carlson nodded.

“It seems to me that the only one having gender identification problems is you. I think that Lorrie has correctly identified her sister, Mel, as the one who likes to dress up like a princess, and her brother, who isn’t toilet trained yet, as the one with the poopy drawers.”

I’m sorry, but I have to say, that the way she looked at the cowering teacher even made words like “poopy drawers” sound wonderful.

Lex handed the composition to me. My turn at bat.

“So, Mrs. Carlson.”

She looked at me while trying to compose herself.

“Exactly what grammatical mistakes were there in this composition?”

She just stared at me without answering.

“Um hum.  Aside from your presumptuous belief that you know better about our household than our own daughter does, does this composition meet the requirements for the assignment?”

She weakly nodded her head again. “I…uh…I’ll just change that grade, okay?” She sat down at her desk and changed the grade on the paper and in her grade book to ‘A’.

“If you have any questions about our life, just ask.”

Mrs. Carlson stood and looked like she was trying to make up her mind as to whether she should hold her hand out for a handshake or not.

I took her hand and briefly shook it. As I was about to turn to leave, Lex leaned in and said in her deepest, darkest, usually saved for when we’re playing our version of dress-up, voice, “If you ever berate our child, or grade her according to your own misconceptions instead of her academic merit, I’ll be back.”

Then Lex turned and swayed herself right out of the room. As we started down the corridor, we overheard, “Listen, Paul.  We need to talk about this. I don’t care what your family thinks. I’m going home. ”

We winked at the school secretary as we passed her office  and set about driving back home.  Lorrie was fairly beside herself waiting for us to tell her the outcome.  We called her to the mudroom instead of making her wait.

“Did you kick her ass?”

“Now, sweetie, is that something you should ask?” I decided to have a little fun with my child. “I mean, really?  It’s not like she’s a cattle rustler or something.”

“No, but she’s a jerk!” Lorrie insisted.

Lex pulled Lorrie into a hug.  “Amanda, Lorrie does have a point.”  Then Lex handed Lorrie her composition so she could see the corrected grade.

“Thanks!” She hugged us both and ran back to the kitchen to tell Martha.

“I bet there’s a letter of resignation on the principal’s desk in the morning.” Lex took my arm and we headed to the den to relax for a bit.

“I didn’t really want her to—“ Lex gave me that knowing grin. I confessed. “Okay, so yes I did.” I kissed Lex on the cheek.  “So, you sexy rancher, how about using that sultry voice with me for a little while? We can even play dress up.”


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